>> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight -- ted danson, from "game of thrones", emilia clarke, and music from larry g(ee)

with cleto and the cletones. and now, here's jimmy kimmel! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] hi, i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thanks for watching and thanks for showing up. i tell you something, we were off last week. it's starting to get christmassy around here. the fake wreaths are hanging. the lattes at starbucks are spiced. the holidays are upon us and won't get off us. it's time to start practicing your pretending to like a gift face. christmas is a major operation for me. i buy hundreds of gifts and i buy them all myself. people think i have an assistant. i do but he doesn't do anything for me. he does some things for me,

believe me. but he's having a baby. i went to costco this weekend. it was a two-cart weekend for costco. people were asking if i worked there. i move things like i'm one of the employees. leaving costco my truck was packed to tightly i could see out the front and 1/18 out of the window in the back and the truck was almost completely packed with alcohol. it was. something -- if someone had rear ended me i wouldn't have been arrested for a dui. i would have drowned. and now i have to wrap -- you don't have to wrap alcohol, do you? i bought sweaters to put around the bottles. i'm good at a lot of things, sex obviously. i can cook. i draw. i know how to juggle. but i cannot do a decent job of

wrapping a gift. most guys are bad at this. are you or aren't you supposed to use crazy glue on the corners of these things. i wind up with too much paper or not enough. sometimes i have a rectangle on the side of the box and i have another rectangle and taping it on the thing and it's embarrassing. i think this is why in commercials men always give their wives cars. just put a bow on it and you're set. women are better at wrapping. i was thinking about why that is. i think i figured it out. look at them. they wear bows and ribbons. they are presents. they have been wrapping themselves every day since they turned seven years old. meanwhile us, we got our -- with our baseball caps and big oversized team jackets.

that's the fashion equivalent of a gift bag. you stuff yourself into it. is it bad to ask your girlfriend to wrap her own gifts? it is? that's good for me to know. i need one of those men in black memory erasers. i can do it and go back as if it never happened. i wonder if president obama wraps his own gifts. the local fox affiliate in seattle ran a story about christmas in the white house. the white house is fully decorated now and the obamas will have a fun holiday this year. >> some republicans are pushing boehner to avoid the white house for blaming them for a crash on the taxes on the rich. >> the white house is ready for christmas. the first lady gave a tour of the presidential decorations and that is not it. >> how do you know? maybe they have been growing something in the garden.

the white house released their holiday card. it is a realistic painting. it's the obama family dog in front of the white house. it's based on a color photo which we have here. that's the original photo. it was a little too colorful for me. a very colorful. i think beau might be getting to the obama supply of centrum. speaking of the holiday spirit this is nice. this happened in thanksgiving. a station in kentucky was doing a live remote from a shelter. keep an eye on what goes on in the background in tonight 's edition of "behind the news." >> what are you thankful this thanksgiving? >> this thanksgiving i'm thankful i see all these men and women in this hotel who come in and have a good thanksgiving and share it with us that i have my

life back, my grandchildren, my son. i have a wonderful job now. i couldn't be more blessed. >> spirit of the holidays. everyone wants a drumstick. what are you going to do? tonight is the third night of hanukkah. my favorite thing about hanukkah is there is no wrap way to spell it. i think chewbacca is acceptable. it's like the jewish version of kwanza. if you are looking for a hanukkah gift for someone you love, we have a gift guide for you. to make it easier we curated the best of the best products from late night tv products. these are potential gifts that everyone would love. if they don't love it there is a good chance they will send you your money back, guaranteed.

>> the singing parakeet will touch your heart and brighton any room in your home. in fact even this live parakeet can't tell the difference. i have the go joe hands free. the go joe goes on in one second. hello? one mississippi, i can't talk now. the go joe will hold a five-pound laptop. these stand up like a tripotd. they rip ribs wright off the rack. >> are impossible when you have a tight neck. stretching on the floor won't fix it. now there is neck right. it is designed to soothe tension. remove the contents from any bottle. removes ketchup, mayo, jelly and

just peanut butter in eight seconds. the i grow is a laser hay therapy system. it's convenient to use consistently for achieving the best results. >> that cookbook takes up counter space. introducing recipes that keeps the recipes with you. >> we know we shouldn't use cotton swabs to clean or dry our ears. stop, there's a better way. introducing wax vac. the safe and effective way to clean and dry your ears. >> cleaning my ears with a fake parakeet. yesterday, shoppers at an ikea in toronto happened upon this christmas miracle. let's get a closer look. a monkey in a fur coat.

this is a seven-month-old rhesus macaque named darwin. one of the shoppers described him as agitated. there is darwin standing in the door at the ikea. evident he escaped from a car in the parking lot and went into the store to find his owner. the police officers said he was a smart monkey. let's see him put together an ikea bookshelf. the owner of darwin was fined $240. it's illegal to own a rhesus macaque because they carry diseases and when they get angry they fling their own poop. they're like hairy crack heads. darwin is getting sent to live on a vh 1 reality show. speaking of -- did you see -- any of you see the big

fight this weekend? guillermo you watched that too right? >> i did. >> jimmy: who were you rooting for? >> juan manuel marquez. >> jimmy: we know what the move looks like. it was the first time that manny pacquiao got knocked out. traditionally he visits us before a fight be. the tradition was he would sing when he was here. he has a beautiful singing voice. the last two times he visited he decided not to sing. when he was here in may before his fight against timothy bradley he didn't sing and lost that fight. and despite my pleading didn't sing again three weeks ago. and not only did he lose he got knocked out. what manny needs to do next time is sing, right? so he's singing for his life.

he needs to sing and punch guillermo right in his nose. >> no. >> jimmy: i'm going to tell him when he comes back. >> all right. >> jimmy: okay. manny i got a karaoke machine and a one direction song with your name on it. there are a lot of bad omens. mitt romney came by to meet him and he said hello, manny, i ran for president, i lost. if that is not the world's worst pep talk i don't know what is. i guess he is not angling for a career in motivational speaking. but mitt romney and his wife sat ringside at the fight. you can see them at the moment that marquez knocked pacquiao out. sweet sassy molasses that should be their christmas card this

year. here's something for viewers of cnn headline news. headline news is like cnn used to be. a bunch of short news stories strung together. they run through at a quick pace which makes for a great moment like this one. robin meade had a back and forth talking about the rumor that the new orleans hornets may change their name to the pelicans. it's time for the cnn headline news segue of the day. >> what is wrong with the hornets? >> it's from charlotte. the charlotte hornets. so they are like -- >> okay, then. >> the pelicans -- pelican, watch out here comes a pelican. >> i'm going to eat your shrimp. all of it. a mom and her child are hit by a car. >> seamless from basketball to

kind of sexual to horrible in five seconds flat. one more thing back to the holidays for a moment. i'm worried about how some of my friends are handling this santa thing. louis has an app that makes it look like santa is calling. when his son acts up the app activates. he says, no, he is not eating his vegetables. which is great. but first of all, louis is jewish. so he has no business playing the santa card in the first place. and what kind of a message is this to send to a kid. every time they do something wrong in december we say i'm going to tell santa. and while you're at it, tell santa dad where is a snitch. same thing with the elf on the shelf. you buy an elf doll and you move it to a new shelf in the house. the elf flies back to the north

pole to report everything he sees to santa. and you can't touch the elf or it will lose its magic. much like mc hammer. it's a weird thing. but maybe i'm looking at it the wrong way. maybe instead of seeing the elf on the shelf as surveillance it's a way to prepare kids for facebook in the future. every moment of your lives is on record. know that going in. millions of elves on shelves have been sold and now there is a new mascot for parents of kids whom a simple elf is not enough. >> you knell in love with elf on the shelf. now there is a new friend. >> get out of here. >> move. >> introducing reindeer in the mirror. when your kids get in your hair -- >> stop it! >> reindeer in the mirror is

there. you better watch out. you better not cry. reindeer in the mirror is watching with a scary red eye. >> charlotte come down to dinner. >> no. >> reindeer in the mirror. >> available at walgreens. >> they have everything there. really do. >> we have a good show for you tonight. from "game of thrones" emilia clarke is here. we have music from larry g(ee) and we'll be back with ted danson. stick around. plan for net10 wireless.

i love my phone. you could keep your phone and number. but for half of what we pay now. half? really good progress today. welcome to the next generation of family plans. visit net10wireless.com this season, give craftsman tools and give the gifts that keep on giving. craftsman. guys' favorites guaranteed. find it at sears.

>> jimmy: tonight on the program, the woman from "game of thrones" emilia clarke is here. and from his ep "weekends" it's larry g(ee) from the bud light stage. we'll have music from sarah jaffee and the star of "ted" ted will be here. we will be joined by zachary knighton and have music from dan deacon and atlas genius. join us then. the first guest tonight is a golden globe winning actor. you can see him scraping brains off the sidewalk on "csi crime scene investigation" please say hello to ted danson. [ cheers and applause ]

>> jimmy: how are you? very good to see -- you wore your hand fearsoshm men's club >> really handsome men like brad and matt. and i would go home and practice in front of the mirror, just handsome poses and then i would turn on your tv show and i watched my friend jimmy who had my back always who was a fellow handsome man club member. and i saw this. >> thank you for giving me your

mustache. it's like when ted danson takes off his hair. >> jimmy: you saw that? you saw that? oh, no. oh. ahh. oh -- that's so sad. that's -- and yet i could get a lot for this on ebay. oh, no. >> i wouldn't be surprised if others like brad and ben and matt started doing the same thing. >> jimmy: this is terrible. let me say in my defense -- >> yes, please. >> jimmy: you didn't wear hair to the emmy's one year. >> let's do more hair jokes about ted. come on. this is great. this is so much fun. >> jimmy: you know what i feel you are being very emotional right now. >> i'm a professional. i can go on with this interview, please.

>> jimmy: i'm going to put this on my tie rack hanging right after tony danza's tie or right before. alphabetically. okay. and i'll give it back to you. i'm sorry about that. but i can't help but think you brought it on yourself. >> my hair loss. we're back to the hair. >> jimmy: i blame your parents. i'm sweating a little bit now. >> it was either the tie or i would go buy a hairpiece to throw in your face. >> jimmy: it won't be long for me. karma will get me eventually. now this is an interesting photograph. this is from the 30th anniversary reunion of the cast of "cheers." [ cheers and applause ] where was this taken? >> we were -- we were in some hotel celebrating you know, the 30th anniversary of the premier.

and it was really sweet. a lot of people got together. woody wasn't there and kelsey couldn't come. but otherwise the cast was there. there was about 150 of us for dinner. we invited "entertainment tonight" to cover the pre-thing and they interviewed us. the funny thing. the crowd of people behind us like 120 people reuniting and screaming and laughing and talking and there is a lot of noise in our defense. but she would be talking to us on "entertainment tonight" are you going to do a reunion show and you see ten people with my colored hair going what? what did she say? what that is what our reunion show would be like. >> jimmy: i don't think that is true. i would like to see the show come back. that is probably one of the top five best shows ever on television, i would say. >> very funny.

>> jimmy: why wasn't woody there? >> woody has a track record of not being there. he was off being a fabulous movie star some place. it was horrible when we would rehearse, woody had wanderlust. he would show up in about the fifth or sixth year. where is woody? he was flying to berlin because the wall was coming down. literally. that is a true story. >> jimmy: did you want to kill him because everybody was there waiting? >> john ratzengerger he didn't -- he would fly to seattle to harvest his apples and you would be rehearsing with stage hands holding scripts. >> jimmy: would people show up for the show itself? krir krirsy alley says you were the only one who was on time. >> i guess i didn't have a life.

i think the standard was 15 minutes late was on time. a half hour was late and an hour and a half is woody is in berlin. >> reporter: she mentioned smeg went on where you tried to get pictures of each other naked. >> that is not true. i didn't run around trying to click pictures of people -- swear to god. >> jimmy: it's always woody. >> it is. that is the only person you wanted to get. he was young. and you wanted to get him. he was wearing sweat pants and no underwear and we were going if you are wearing sweat pants, wear some underwear. >> jimmy: is that how he got his name? >> yeah, woody. so there's a part and it was the rehearsal and we used to -- people loved to watch us

rehearse. there was a part where woody's character got on the table scene say could i have your attention please? and i pulled down his pants and he was humiliated. >> jimmy: he was? >> cut to six months later and i'm taking a shower and george says -- george wendt? >> yeah. and woody down low slams open the shower door and kirstie goes -- she missed my head. >> jimmy: but she got the rest of you. she was complimentary of the rest of you when she was here. >> the audience will know and happy to hear that i'm not going to talk about my privates. >> jimmy: don't worry. you don't have to. she already did for you.

>> it's one of those things that happened. >> jimmy: she talked and wrote about them in her boom. >> did you read her book? >> i have it framed. >> jimmy: i spent time with woody. he is a lot of fun. but working with him were you always the guy there waiting around for him? >> i know what story you are aiming toward my one drug adventure with woody. we played hooky with woody. it was kirstie and rea's show. we barely had anything to do. we decided to play hooky. we got on john ratszengerger's boat and went to catalina. i'm 65. so i'm a silly man who you shouldn't do what i do. so it's okay to tell this drug

story. >> jimmy: no one should ever do this. >> ever. it's for silly older people. woody and i are half baked when we got on the boat. but we were hungry. he said would you like some mushrooms? i've never had mushrooms before in my life and i thought i'm on a boat away from everybody for like ten hours. why not? a little hungry, i took more than a fistful and ate them. about 45 minutes later we literally -- this is also true. we bumped into the tail end of mexican hurricane weather not the rain but the waves. so literally the boat is going bam! bam! and i thought i was dying. and i looked at woody. we were downstairs and he was taking a nap, i thought and i went oh, my god i'm just this idiot. he's fine and i think i'm dying.

i sat on the deck with george wendt who said you're a wreck what did you take? mushrooms. i would hold my breath for two and a half minutes and he'd go, breathe! and i would come back to life. and then i would slowly die. >> jimmy: george wendt saved your life. ted danson, everybody. we'll be right back. [ male announcer ] every day, thousands of people, like you, are choosing advil®

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>> jimmy: this is your second season on "csi." i was very surprised to hear you were going to be on "csi." >> i was too. i was sitting on my porch at martha's vineyard trying to figure out what to do with my life. and my manager was on my phone and said do you want to be on "csi"? yes. and that was it. two weeks later cut to i'm in las vegas at the coroner's office, the real one involved in a quadruple autopsy where i literally was holding some gentleman's skull cap while they weighed his brain and i'm going oh, my god what have i done?

where am i? there were two sweet gentlemen standing close to me so i didn't face plant into somebody's chest cavity. >> i would start you with a double or a triple autopsy. four is too many. is that four in the room at once and working simultaneously? >> it's a different world i live in now. >> jimmy: it sure is. >> my show now has an insect wrangler. >> jimmy: and you didn't have that on "cheers"? this is a first for you, then? >> it is. i love it i love going to work. i love the crew the actors and writers. >> jimmy: excellent. that's fantastic. i'm sorry about the toupee

thing. it will never happen again. i hope you accept this gift of half a tie back from me. yes? ted danson, everyone. "csi crime scene investigation" we'll be right back with emilia clarke of "game of thrones."

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>> jimmy: till to come, larry g., our next guest plays the baby dragon baring and remarkably fireproof king on the fantasy series "game of thrones." please say hello to amelia clark! [ cheers and applause ] welcome, my queen. >> thank you. thank you so much for having me.

>> jimmy: you look very different from the show. we have a picture for those who are not familiar with the show. this is how you look on the show. do they dye your hair or is it a wig? >> it's a wig. >> jimmy: i don't know if you saw this. i was on the cover of ""tv guide."" dressed as you. >> you are going to put me out of a job. seriously. >> jimmy: the resemblance is remarkable. >> look at the look in your eyes. >> jimmy: the one thing i didn't like that is top i was wearing covered my ab. >> the one. >> jimmy: one single, large abdomen muscle. it's great to have you here. i love the show. you do a fantastic job. [ cheers and applause ] this is your first big acting job, right? >> yes. >> jimmy: that's amazing. how did you wind up happening into this huge deal?

>> this huge deal, yeah. i just -- it was really -- i did drama school and then i awe missed for "game of thrones." and they stupidly put me on it. stuck a wig on me. >> jimmy: this must make people want to kill you when they hear the story. >> as simple as that. >> jimmy: for one thing, i think the first half of the first season you were naked the whole time. >> the whole time, oh, yeah. >> jimmy: so you go right out of drama school to being nude at work. how did your parents -- do you tell them? do you break this news to them in advance? >> it's the kind of thing i told my mom and my mom kind of told my dad. >> jimmy: that's probably wise. how did dad react to this news? >> i think he is pleased that i was employed. >> jimmy: that's good. >> pleased i had a job. but it was less -- it was less my dad. it was more as i found out last christmas is my uncle ken. >> jimmy: uncle ken.

>> uncle ken. >> jimmy: there's always an uncle ken, isn't there? what happened with uncle ken? >> he's from yorkshire -- >> jimmy: they're the worst. with their pudding. >> that yorkshire pudding. no, but he -- yeah he was kind of alarmed i think when he saw it. >> jimmy: oh, no. >> it was last christmas eve, sort of look me dead in the eye, you didn't tell me you'd be naked that long. >> jimmy: that's weird. you think maybe that is dad's responsibility but on the other hand am i going to call my brother and give him this news? >> no, exactly, exactly. no. >> jimmy: uncle ken was upset? >> uncle ken was slightly upset. >> jimmy: is uncle ken still watching the show? >> he's still watching the show. >> jimmy: but like this. >> just tell him to go make a cup of tea. >> jimmy: does he have anything to worry about next season? >> there may be. if uncle ken is watching.

there might be -- >> jimmy: you know what was really disturbing on the show is when you had to eat the horse heart. >> yes. >> jimmy: what was that you were eating? >> it was kind of like a gummy bear. like a big gummy bear covered in fake blood that sort of tasted like bleach but it was really, really sticky. the fake blood was really, really sticky. i was covered head to toe in the fake blood and continually sticking myself to myself or to other things. >> jimmy: oh, because it's -- >> because it's -- yeah, it stays sticky for quite a long time. and there was a moment when we were filming it that i disappeared and i was stuck to the toilet. >> jimmy: got all over, huh? >> it did. oh, it did. >> jimmy: really? did uncle ken come in and rescue you? >> uncle ken was nowhere to be sane. >> jimmy: where is he when you need him?

>> i know. >> jimmy: will your character join the war? >> yes, season three, gets properly bad-ass. >> jimmy: my parents have gone crazy for the show and have now read the books and i have to constantly monitor them to make sure they don't tell me what happens because i don't want -- >> they're spoilers. >> jimmy: i don't want the spoilers beforehand. but now here i'm asking you for a spoiler. >> i'm going to try and remain -- >> jimmy: have you ever been in a battle in real life? do you know how to do this kind of thing? >> i sort of tend to run away from those kind of situations. yeah, i was on my gap year in vietnam. >> jimmy: what? when you were denim? what's a gap year? >> basically a year when you realize you didn't get into rodder and you travel a little bit. >> jimmy: i've had a lot of those. >> i was with a bunch of friends

in vietnam and there was this -- we were basically in this bar and this guy didn't like us very much. anyway, cut a long story short. and we were walking out of this bar and it was like a festival and there was a line of prostitutes waiting for us. >> jimmy: that's great. that's good. >> one of them tried to hit me. >> jimmy: that's bad. >> it's bad. wasn't good. >> jimmy: just different points of view. >> yeah. >> jimmy: that's terrible. >> for me, it was bad. >> jimmy: they there were to fight you. >> they were there to fight us. >> jimmy: did you fight the hookers? >> i ran away but one did punch me. and all i could say is i got my drama school audition in two weeks! >> jimmy: you got punched by a hooker? >> yeah. straight on. >> jimmy: i have to say -- >> uncle ken doesn't know this. >> jimmy: i would have guessed you to be least likely to be punched by a hooker.

>> yeah, yeah. danny would have probably shown a bit more feist. >> jimmy: it's wonderful to meet you, i love the show. if you haven't seen it, it's called "game of thrones." season three starts march 31st on hbo. and this is a big deal for you also. you're going to be starring in "breakfast at tiffany's" on broadway. >> yes on broadway. >> jimmy: is that something you've always wanted to do? >> yes. >> jimmy: that's way better than eating horse hearts. >> way better. >> jimmy: congratulations. great to meet you. emilia clarke, everybody. we'll be right back with music from larry g(ee).

>> jimmy: this is his new ep called "weekends." making his television debut with the song "yo mama," larry g(ee). ♪

how you feeling out there, los angeles? make some noise. ♪ well you can hand me your heart but you won't get too far oh no ♪ ♪ i've seen the best of them fall face on the floor oh no ♪ ♪ well come on in let me begin i'm placing bets and i'm expecting to win ♪ ♪ i know she taught you right then why you here tonight better run better run ♪ ♪ oh wee you're just my type your body dynamite better run better run ♪ ♪ now that i've got you alone nobody's home oh no ♪

♪ ooh and now she's sipping patron dress on the floor oh no ♪ ♪ well is it a sin if she's a friend i'm placing bets and i'm expecting to win ♪ ♪ i know she taught you right then why you here tonight better run better run ♪ ♪ oh wee you're just my type your body dynamite better run better run ♪ the breakdown. l.a. make some noise. oh, yeah. check it out. ♪ your milkshake may bring boys to the yard but that's not how i'm playing these cards ♪

♪ playing these cards playing these cards ♪ let me feel that beat. ♪ said your milkshake may bring boys to the yard but that's not how i'm playing these cards ♪ ♪ playing these cards say ♪ i know she taught you right then why you here tonight better run better run ♪ ♪ oh wee you're just my type your body dynamite better run better run ♪ ♪ i know she taught you right then why you here tonight ♪ ♪ oh wee you're just my type your body dynamite better run better run ♪ hey. [ cheers and applause ]

thank you! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: larry g(ee)'s ep is called "weekends." you can see a bonus song on "jimmy kimmel live".com. thanks to him, thanks to ted danson, thanks to emilia clarke, apologizes to matt damon. tomorrow we'll have ted, and music from sarah jaffe. good night. good night. ♪ hear me baby why you do like that? tell me baby why you do like that ♪ ♪ ran down the corner trying to catch the train instead i'm waiting on this "l" again ♪ ♪ pushing my way trying to get my seat bump into a chick looking straight at me ♪ ♪ and my mind still buzzin' from the night before so i dig down deep